“My dad’s death reminds me of earthquakes – things that shake your foundation.”

There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.

Men aren’t men until they can get to Sears by themselves.

Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we’re just the tallest people living here.

I love women. I actually prefer girls, as a parent, because they disappoint at a different age. They go through that, “Dad’s an idiot,” which lasted a little longer than I’d like.

I’m a creative guy, artistically with graphics.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.

Dog’s listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.

The ego is like a kid in the basement: It’s best to keep him busy.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.

Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.

Women are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.

I used to live an isolated existence, even in relationships, but now my family knows me for who I really am. Mostly, that’s a good thing.

My comedy is not mine. It’s a gift. I’m not that smart.

My father passed away in 1942, and three-four months after his death, I had to start working. There was a responsibility on my shoulders to run the household. It was my duty as the eldest child in the house.

What dies in awakening is not you, but ignorance.

Where there is no freedom, there is death and destruction.

Surfing music is dead. It was just a summer craze for kids on the beach. I’m finished with it.

I was reading Neil Postman’s ‘Amusing Ourselves to Death’. It’s one of my favourites.

Anyone who tells you that they know, they just know what happens when you die, I promise you, you dont. How can I be so sure? Because I dont know and you do not possess mental powers that I do not.

Sin doesn’t make you bad, it makes you dead.

I’d rather die than be with anyone but you.