Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.
TIM ALLENBut separate a man from his car – that’s inhuman.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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I have a thing for tools.
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Women are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.
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I’m one of these guys that just spoils the environment. I like ATVs and snowmobiles. I have a motorcycle up there, and I like cruising through the hills.
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If you don’t decide where you’re going, life will decide for you.
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Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.
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I have an only child. She’s so independent and good with adults.
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I am a thespian trapped in a man’s body.
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I love women. I actually prefer girls, as a parent, because they disappoint at a different age. They go through that, “Dad’s an idiot,” which lasted a little longer than I’d like.
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I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.
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The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas – where it’s a beautiful theater – is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.
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I think there’s a percentage that don’t realize, that don’t know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned it, we work hard, rehearsals to get this. It’s more of a it’s not just coming in there in a T-shirt and holding a microphone.
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I’m a very bad student, but a great learner.
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Dog’s listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.
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I’m actually more of a cat guy than a dog person because I travel so much. I love cats.
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I grew up around hunters. I love guns, bows, arrows, compasses and binoculars. I don’t do any of that stuff, I just like the stuff. I shot one animal, in my life, and I didn’t like it. If I had to skin an animal to eat it, I’d probably eat vegetables.
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You don’t know what people are really like until they’re under a lot of stress.
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Real men don’t use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer’s opinion on how to put this together.
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To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of the TV and don’t move. He’ll talk to you. I promise.
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A car crossed two lanes of traffic, flipped, and landed on my dad’s car. I don’t blame cars. My dad loved cars. I don’t have many memories of my dad. The love of cars is all I have of him, really.
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When you’re 6 or 7, your father becomes this wonderful presence in your life. I really responded to my father. And then, the very moment I realized that I loved him unconditionally, that life was going to be great just because he was in it, he was gone.
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Anytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.
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Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of “Yeah, we might have to reboot.”
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Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they’re going to respect Mom.
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Men aren’t men until they can get to Sears by themselves.
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Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.
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I do a lot of family shows.
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