“My stepfather stepped in where no man would’ve stepped in – six kids, five of them boys – and that’s heroic.”

I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.

Never comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words ‘large’ or ‘size’ with ‘rear end’. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

I’m a very bad student, but a great learner.

Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of “Yeah, we might have to reboot.”

I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I’ve never gotten over it.

I have a thing for tools.

Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.

Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they’re going to respect Mom.

The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas – where it’s a beautiful theater – is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.

I am a thespian trapped in a man’s body.

If you want to condemn yourself for the mistakes you’ve made, let’s be fair, that means you’ve got to congratulate yourself for all the good things you’ve done. It’s okay to say, “God, I wish I’d done this; yeah, but I did do that.” Then it kind of balances out.

If it ain’t broke, you can probably still fix it.

Nothing’s as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.

My dad’s death reminds me of earthquakes – things that shake your foundation.

A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.

Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, “And let there be aluminum siding.” Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree’s on a golf course, all the better.