If it ain’t broke, you can probably still fix it.
TIM ALLENI’m actually more of a cat guy than a dog person because I travel so much. I love cats.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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I’m a creative guy, artistically with graphics.
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I blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify.
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I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody’s car.
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I’m a very bad student, but a great learner.
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Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, “And let there be aluminum siding.” Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree’s on a golf course, all the better.
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Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we’re just the tallest people living here.
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My comedy is not mine. It’s a gift. I’m not that smart.
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You don’t know what people are really like until they’re under a lot of stress.
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My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
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When I went to jail, reality hit so hard that it took my breath away, took my stance away, took my strength away. I was there buck naked, humiliated, sitting in my own crap and urine – this is a metaphor. My ego had run off. Your ego is the biggest coward.
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I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)
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Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?
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Never comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words ‘large’ or ‘size’ with ‘rear end’. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
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If you want to condemn yourself for the mistakes you’ve made, let’s be fair, that means you’ve got to congratulate yourself for all the good things you’ve done. It’s okay to say, “God, I wish I’d done this; yeah, but I did do that.” Then it kind of balances out.
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I think there’s a percentage that don’t realize, that don’t know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned it, we work hard, rehearsals to get this. It’s more of a it’s not just coming in there in a T-shirt and holding a microphone.
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Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
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I love women. I actually prefer girls, as a parent, because they disappoint at a different age. They go through that, “Dad’s an idiot,” which lasted a little longer than I’d like.
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Being wealthy when no one else is, is like being the only one at the party with a drink.
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The world’s a mean place. It’s unfair, then it’s fair. It’s hateful, then it’s loving. It’s a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.
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When you’re 6 or 7, your father becomes this wonderful presence in your life. I really responded to my father. And then, the very moment I realized that I loved him unconditionally, that life was going to be great just because he was in it, he was gone.
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Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
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Real men don’t use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer’s opinion on how to put this together.
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Nothing’s as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.
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Men often do things for women that they don’t want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don’t want to do.
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All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or a pit crew.
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Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.
TIM ALLEN