“I’m actually more of a cat guy than a dog person because I travel so much. I love cats.”

If it ain’t broke, you can probably still fix it.

Nothing’s as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.

My dad’s death reminds me of earthquakes – things that shake your foundation.

A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.

Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, “And let there be aluminum siding.” Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree’s on a golf course, all the better.

I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody’s car.

I blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify.

I do a lot of family shows.

Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.

Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?

I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it’s one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they’re going to want something from me I can’t give, or they’re going to hurt me.

I love doing logos. I’ve been a graphic artist all my life.

The world’s a mean place. It’s unfair, then it’s fair. It’s hateful, then it’s loving. It’s a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.

In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.

In my experience, it’s all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.

Anytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.

God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn’t there.

Meow means woof in cat.

A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.

God has made the cat to give man the pleasure of caressing the tiger.

I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

The smallest feline is a masterpiece.

I’m a fighter. I believe in the eye-for-an-eye business. I’m no cheek turner. I got no respect for a man who won’t hit back. You kill my dog, you better hide your cat.