Man is the only animal to borrow tools.
TIM ALLENI do a lot of family shows.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.
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I have an only child. She’s so independent and good with adults.
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My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
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I blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify.
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I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.
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I’m one of these guys that just spoils the environment. I like ATVs and snowmobiles. I have a motorcycle up there, and I like cruising through the hills.
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I love doing logos. I’ve been a graphic artist all my life.
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Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
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To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of the TV and don’t move. He’ll talk to you. I promise.
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Dog’s listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.
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I used to live an isolated existence, even in relationships, but now my family knows me for who I really am. Mostly, that’s a good thing.
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I don’t understand why it has to be either – or – either socialism or democracy. Why can’t we combine things to get the best of each system?
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I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)
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I think there’s a percentage that don’t realize, that don’t know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned it, we work hard, rehearsals to get this. It’s more of a it’s not just coming in there in a T-shirt and holding a microphone.
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Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.
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If it ain’t broke, you can probably still fix it.
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Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
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All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or a pit crew.
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The ego is like a kid in the basement: It’s best to keep him busy.
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Men often do things for women that they don’t want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don’t want to do.
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Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of “Yeah, we might have to reboot.”
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I am a thespian trapped in a man’s body.
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In my experience, it’s all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.
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The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas – where it’s a beautiful theater – is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.
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Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.
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My comedy is not mine. It’s a gift. I’m not that smart.
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