“Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.”

Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, “And let there be aluminum siding.” Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree’s on a golf course, all the better.

I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody’s car.

I blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify.

I do a lot of family shows.

Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.

Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?

I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it’s one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they’re going to want something from me I can’t give, or they’re going to hurt me.

I love doing logos. I’ve been a graphic artist all my life.

The world’s a mean place. It’s unfair, then it’s fair. It’s hateful, then it’s loving. It’s a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.

In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.

In my experience, it’s all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.

Anytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.

I’ve gotten so far past the Android and iPhones that I’m back to a flip-phone. It’s funny, you can buy antique flip-phones online. A lot of us collect them. Clearly, they’re considered antiques.

I have an only child. She’s so independent and good with adults.

For years, I just did not like this idea of God, church.

If you don’t decide where you’re going, life will decide for you.

I stayed in show business to pay for my animal business.

I’m in the middle of my sixth book, which is about animals at the Los Angeles Zoo.

There is no more reason to believe that man descended from an inferior animal than there is to believe that a stately mansion has descended from a small cottage.

You know what the problem that animal activists sometimes have? They only concentrate on the heartbreaking things to the point where the general public thinks, ‘Oh, here comes those animal folks again and I’m going to hear all the things I don’t want to hear.’

Animals don’t lie. Animals don’t criticize. If animals have moody days, they handle them better than humans do.

I secretly want to be a zebra. That is why I always wear stripes.

The moment I began to understand what was going on with the treatment of animals, it led me more and more in the way of the path I am [on] now, which is a complete vegan.

I never wanted to be a statistic. I never wanted to be that cat who tried and never made it.