The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas – where it’s a beautiful theater – is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.
TIM ALLENMen are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or a pit crew.
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I think there’s a percentage that don’t realize, that don’t know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned it, we work hard, rehearsals to get this. It’s more of a it’s not just coming in there in a T-shirt and holding a microphone.
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Real men don’t use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer’s opinion on how to put this together.
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I grew up around hunters. I love guns, bows, arrows, compasses and binoculars. I don’t do any of that stuff, I just like the stuff. I shot one animal, in my life, and I didn’t like it. If I had to skin an animal to eat it, I’d probably eat vegetables.
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I’m one of these guys that just spoils the environment. I like ATVs and snowmobiles. I have a motorcycle up there, and I like cruising through the hills.
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When I went to jail, reality hit so hard that it took my breath away, took my stance away, took my strength away. I was there buck naked, humiliated, sitting in my own crap and urine – this is a metaphor. My ego had run off. Your ego is the biggest coward.
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Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.
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Boys can be disgusting. You can’t leave us alone for any length of time because we will burn something, blow something up or paint something. We’re just obnoxious.
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Men aren’t men until they can get to Sears by themselves.
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I’ve gotten so far past the Android and iPhones that I’m back to a flip-phone. It’s funny, you can buy antique flip-phones online. A lot of us collect them. Clearly, they’re considered antiques.
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Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
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I blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify.
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You don’t know what people are really like until they’re under a lot of stress.
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Nothing’s as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.
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I’m sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.
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As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.
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I do a lot of family shows.
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For years, I just did not like this idea of God, church.
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I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I’ve never gotten over it.
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Women are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.
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I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody’s car.
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If it ain’t broke, you can probably still fix it.
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Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they’re going to respect Mom.
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If you don’t decide where you’re going, life will decide for you.
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While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
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My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
TIM ALLEN