“Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.”

I’m actually more of a cat guy than a dog person because I travel so much. I love cats.

Man is the only animal to borrow tools.

Men often do things for women that they don’t want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don’t want to do.

Being wealthy when no one else is, is like being the only one at the party with a drink.

Real men don’t use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer’s opinion on how to put this together.

I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.

Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.

They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.

I’m sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.

I have always enjoyed do-it-yourself projects, .. Being in a position to actually help design and bring tools to market is an incredible opportunity. Being able to fund charities as a result is phenomenal.

When I went to jail, reality hit so hard that it took my breath away, took my stance away, took my strength away. I was there buck naked, humiliated, sitting in my own crap and urine – this is a metaphor. My ego had run off. Your ego is the biggest coward.

When somebody tells you they’re not very smart, they’re saying exactly the opposite.

Boys can be disgusting. You can’t leave us alone for any length of time because we will burn something, blow something up or paint something. We’re just obnoxious.

I think there’s a percentage that don’t realize, that don’t know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned it, we work hard, rehearsals to get this. It’s more of a it’s not just coming in there in a T-shirt and holding a microphone.

Anyone who does anything to help a child in his life is a hero to me.

Lifetime is a child at play, moving pieces in a game. Kingship belongs to the child.

We are all born children- the trick is remaining one.

I think life experiences are different for people who know what they want as children.

It’s true what they say – the whole world stops when your child is born.

Even after centuries of human interacting, children still continue to rebel against their parents and siblings.

I cannot wait to see my children grow up and create a brighter future and a better world for all.

A child can teach an adult three things: to be happy for no reason, to always be busy with something, and to know how to demand with all his might that which he desires