I’m sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.
TIM ALLENWomen now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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When you’re 6 or 7, your father becomes this wonderful presence in your life. I really responded to my father. And then, the very moment I realized that I loved him unconditionally, that life was going to be great just because he was in it, he was gone.
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They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.
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I love doing logos. I’ve been a graphic artist all my life.
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The ego is like a kid in the basement: It’s best to keep him busy.
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Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.
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Nothing’s as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.
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In my experience, it’s all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.
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I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody’s car.
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Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
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I have a thing for tools.
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I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)
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When I went to jail, reality hit so hard that it took my breath away, took my stance away, took my strength away. I was there buck naked, humiliated, sitting in my own crap and urine – this is a metaphor. My ego had run off. Your ego is the biggest coward.
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As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.
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Men aren’t men until they can get to Sears by themselves.
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I think there’s a percentage that don’t realize, that don’t know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned it, we work hard, rehearsals to get this. It’s more of a it’s not just coming in there in a T-shirt and holding a microphone.
TIM ALLEN