Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
STEVEN WRIGHTAll those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
STEVEN WRIGHT