The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
STEVEN WRIGHTAll those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
STEVEN WRIGHT