Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHTAll those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
STEVEN WRIGHT