Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhen everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Half the people you know are below average.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
STEVEN WRIGHT