My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhen everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
STEVEN WRIGHT