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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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Forest Funny Himself Man Nature Woman Wrong
I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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Death Myself Quote Right Talk Word
Clones are people two.
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One Liner People
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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Children Myself Quick Toy
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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Angry Install Light Live Myself People
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Break Up Imagination Myself Relationship
I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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Animal Dog Himself Myself Return
All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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Believe Funny Hands Myself Science Yourself
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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Age Anxiety Funny Myself Time
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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Bad Conscience Memories
I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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Myself People
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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Crime Man Office Photograph Writing
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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Abandonment Book Build Funny Myself Ocean Yourself
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Advice Bird Deep Funny Patience Worm
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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Appearance Different Fingers Hands

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