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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

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Inspirational Motivational Struggle Way Wrong Yourself

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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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Children Friendship Himself
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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Control Death Game Yourself
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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Death Funny Success Yourself
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Angry Depression Enthusiasm One Liner Perspective Sick
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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Abandonment Book Build Funny Myself Ocean Yourself
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Far Forever Goodness Immortal Live Myself
I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Forget Funny Myself
Half the people you know are below average.
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Average Level People Yourself
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Lost Myself Place Thinking
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Listening Mistake Yourself
I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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Myself People
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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Believe Funny Myself Police Reading See Stop Time
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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Believe Funny Himself Man Stars Touch
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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Company Game Myself Thinking Wrong
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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Bad Conscience Memories
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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Bed Funny Hell Home Myself Nature Night Stars Wonder

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