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In the human race today, you came last.

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

Listen, someone’s screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently.
SPIKE MILLIGAN

Listening Myself Pain Talk
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
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Occasion Protection
If you kill me, I promise you – you will never take me alive.
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Alive Kill Myself Promise Yourself
It was a perfect marrige. She didn`t want to and he couldn`t
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Funny Himself Marriage Perfection
In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.
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Farm Hands Himself Wife
There are holes in the sky Where the rain gets in, But they’re ever so small That’s why rain is thin.
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Rain Sky
I’m Irish. We think sideways.
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Identity Myself One Liner Thinking
Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
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Death Myself Plant Return
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.
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Country Enough Fools Funny People Politics Time Yourself
I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
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Beginning Book Funny Myself Poem Reading
I can speak Esperanto like a native.
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Myself Talk
Render any politician down and there’s enough fat to fry an egg.
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Enough Food Politics
Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
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Come Myself Quiet
I cannot stand being awake, the pain is too much.
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Myself Pain Stand Wake Up
My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
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Father Funny Himself Influence Mad
And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
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Connection Funny God Himself Light Wait

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