It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD