When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD