What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD






