I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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