I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDOn Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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