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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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