I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDOn Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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