I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDSome dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD