I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDSome dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD






