My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDSome dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD