My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDSome dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD