I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDSome dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD