My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD