I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD