When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD