We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD






