My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD