My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD






