I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD