When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD