My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD