If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWhen I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD