When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWhen I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMen who do things without being told draw the most wages.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDLife is just a bowl of pits.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDIf it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDSome dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWhen I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWhat a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWith me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
RODNEY DANGERFIELDThe way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDAt twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDYeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWhat a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD