I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWhen I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD