Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWhen I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD