I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWhen I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD