A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD






