I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD