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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

Rodney Dangerfield

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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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