My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy mother had morning sickness after I was born.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
RODNEY DANGERFIELD