The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy mother had morning sickness after I was born.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD