I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy mother had morning sickness after I was born.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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