On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy mother had morning sickness after I was born.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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