I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy mother had morning sickness after I was born.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD