My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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