I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
-
-
My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD