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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Rodney Dangerfield

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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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