My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD