My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD






