With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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