My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD






