I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD






