I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD