My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD