With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD