Funny Quotes
We haven’t got a plan so nothing can go wrong!
Spike MilliganSpike Milligan Ducking for apples — change one letter and it’s the story of my life.
Dorothy ParkerDorothy Parker The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Steven WrightSteven Wright Heck by the time a man scratches his behind, clears his throat, and tells me how smart he is, we’ve already wasted fifteen minutes.
Lyndon B. JohnsonLyndon B. Johnson Bipartisanship is not what is missing in Washington. Common sense is.
Rand PaulRand Paul There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
Will RogersWill Rogers Don’t be something you’re not. Unless you can be a fabulous unicorn. Always be a fabulous unicorn.
PewDiePiePewDiePie Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
Will RogersWill Rogers If I want to go to a party with a few male friends, it doesn’t mean I’m gay.
Leonardo DiCaprioLeonardo DiCaprio An expert is a man who has stopped thinking. Why should he think? He is an expert.
Frank Lloyd WrightFrank Lloyd Wright All I want to do is yoga and hike, and smoke weed. It’s funny.
Miley CyrusMiley Cyrus There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.
Bill CosbyBill Cosby I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.’ I don’t own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I’d have to buy something to protect it then.
Norm MacDonaldNorm MacDonald Do I really want to be integrated into a burning house?
James BaldwinJames Baldwin A pekingeese is not a pet dog; he is an undersized lion.
A. A. MilneA. A. Milne I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven WrightSteven Wright