Funny Quotes

Modern intelligence won’t accept anything on authority. But it will accept anything without authority.

I don’t just try to be funny.

I wanted to become a better Snoop Dogg, full of water, proteins and stuff to keep me alive. Lollipops and Big Macs.

When My Love Returns from the Ladies Room, Will I Be Too Old to Care?

Eight days ago, we were the toast of the town. Eight days later we’re Thanksgiving turkeys.

Stories in families are colossally important. Every family has stories: some funny, some proud, some embarrassing, some shameful. Knowing them is proof of belonging to the family.

I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It’s just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.

Searchin for peace be like fishing for water.

Isn’t it funny how danger makes people passionate?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.