Funny Quotes

If I had not some strength of will I would make a first class drunkard.

Time is a funny thing- Flies fast, though constant it slows near large objects, black holes, and you.

Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

It was a perfect marrige. She didn`t want to and he couldn`t

When I do get pregnant, I highly doubt I’ll be one of those women who don’t look pregnant from behind – I’ll be that chick who looks pregnant from her ankles up!

When they saw me in my space suit and the parachute dragging alongside as I walked, they started to back away in fear. I told them, don’t be afraid, I am a Soviet like you, who has descended from space and I must find a telephone to call Moscow!

Lord Help the Mister that comes between Me and My Sister.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.

Modern intelligence won’t accept anything on authority. But it will accept anything without authority.