I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
PHYLLIS DILLER