I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLER