A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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self-pity is better than none.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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All mothers are working mothers.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLER