You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLERThe doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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self-pity is better than none.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
PHYLLIS DILLER