My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
PHYLLIS DILLER