I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
PHYLLIS DILLER






