I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
PHYLLIS DILLER