My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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