Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
PHYLLIS DILLERI will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
PHYLLIS DILLER






