self-pity is better than none.
PHYLLIS DILLERI will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
PHYLLIS DILLER