I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLERI will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
PHYLLIS DILLER






