A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLERI will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
PHYLLIS DILLER