Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
PHYLLIS DILLERI will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
PHYLLIS DILLER