I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
PHYLLIS DILLERI will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLER