A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLERThis woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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self-pity is better than none.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
PHYLLIS DILLER