Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
PHYLLIS DILLERThis woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
PHYLLIS DILLER