When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
PHYLLIS DILLERThis woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
PHYLLIS DILLER







