The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLERThis woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
PHYLLIS DILLER