I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
PHYLLIS DILLER -
If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
PHYLLIS DILLER







