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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?

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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Beaten Before Him Husband Lick Mixer Want
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Age Beaty Eyesight Fade Like Look Marry May Own
My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Just Justice Like Look Photograph
You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Come Have May Live Onion Ought Side So Sport
My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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All Life Own Real Thing
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Finish Half Hour Last Minute
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Accused Constant Country Drought Fire Food Mud Swanson
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Chance Housework Kill Rake You
Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Bedroom Dead Nickname Nothing Happen Sea Waterbed
I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Blouse Once Peekaboo People Peek Too Wore
I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Blood Discontinue Know Type
I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Central Crime Night Only Park Reduce Trade Walk Woman
I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Bury Clear Dead Dinner Food Phase Serve Table Three

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