The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
PHYLLIS DILLERI love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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All mothers are working mothers.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLER