My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
PHYLLIS DILLERI love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
PHYLLIS DILLER