My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLERI love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
PHYLLIS DILLER






