Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLER






