I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
PHYLLIS DILLER