His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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All mothers are working mothers.
PHYLLIS DILLER






