Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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self-pity is better than none.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
PHYLLIS DILLER






