Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
PHYLLIS DILLER