I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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