Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
PHYLLIS DILLERCleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
PHYLLIS DILLER