You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLERCleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
PHYLLIS DILLER






