I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
PHYLLIS DILLERCleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLER






