Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
PHYLLIS DILLERI never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
PHYLLIS DILLER