My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
PHYLLIS DILLERI never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLER