Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
PHYLLIS DILLERI never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
PHYLLIS DILLER