Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLERI never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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All mothers are working mothers.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
PHYLLIS DILLER