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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Common Day Husband Married Only Same Thing
Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Bedroom Dead Nickname Nothing Happen Sea Waterbed
I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Descend Foolish Listen Long Mother Very
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Advice Away Bottle Children Follow Keep Transquilzer Work
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Bed Fight Go never Stay Up
In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Drive License Made Most Now Old Sense Sixteen State Year
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Curve Set Smile Straight
The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Body Doctor Hope Look Reincarnation Said Yes
I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Ask Country Football Good Hairdresser Helmet Look People Person Say
I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Hat On Screw Wrinkle
They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
PHYLLIS DILLER

Country Discover Elect Eyewear Just Measurement People Person
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Come Have May Live Onion Ought Side So Sport
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Beneath Breast Knee Law Left Mother Out Pain Trick Tuned
My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Just Justice Like Look Photograph
To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Apply Clean Neighbour Roaster Something
If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Jealous Mercy Pilead Talk

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