Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
PHYLLIS DILLERI never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
PHYLLIS DILLER