The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
PHYLLIS DILLERI never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
PHYLLIS DILLER