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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Before Clean Grow House Kid Shovel Snow Stop Up
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Begin Else Everything Fal Maybe Out Spread Start True Wear
To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Apply Clean Neighbour Roaster Something
Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Appendix Back Divorce Husband Like Put Remarry
If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Enough Laugh Wrinkle
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Children Down First Month Shut Spend Talk Teah Tell Twelve Walk
I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Ask Country Football Good Hairdresser Helmet Look People Person Say
I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Anybody Behind Doing Eighteen Iron Know Now Use Year
The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Bad Earn Ever Kid Last Lose Money Old Teeth Thing
A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Again Happen Last Night Nothing Terrible Thing
I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Central Crime Night Only Park Reduce Trade Walk Woman
I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Descend Foolish Listen Long Mother Very
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Advice Away Bottle Children Follow Keep Transquilzer Work
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Beuty Estimate Hour Seven Shop Spent
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Christmas Everybody Forgotten Past Present Remember Time Want
I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Buddhism Depth Feng Numerous Straight Technology Transcendental Work

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