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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

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Accused Constant Country Drought Fire Food Mud Swanson

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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Apply Clean Neighbour Roaster Something
If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Jealous Mercy Pilead Talk
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Always Children Choose Home Nice One Rest
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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Age Glove Love Old Sport Through
Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Attack Country Dog Even Hear Ible Lisp Mail One People Person Piddle
I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Chance Housework Kill Rake You
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Age Beaty Eyesight Fade Like Look Marry May Own
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Buddhism Depth Feng Numerous Straight Technology Transcendental Work
I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Beauty Came Constant Country Hit Last Mouth Once People Person

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