Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLERWe Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
PHYLLIS DILLER






