The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
PHYLLIS DILLERWe Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLER