I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
PHYLLIS DILLER