Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
PHYLLIS DILLERMost children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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self-pity is better than none.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
PHYLLIS DILLER






