To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLERMost children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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