Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
PHYLLIS DILLERMost children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
PHYLLIS DILLER