self-pity is better than none.
PHYLLIS DILLERMost children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
PHYLLIS DILLER