When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
PHYLLIS DILLERMost children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
PHYLLIS DILLER