I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
PHYLLIS DILLERMost children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLER