In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
PHYLLIS DILLERWe spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
PHYLLIS DILLER