I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
PHYLLIS DILLERWe spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLER