If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
PHYLLIS DILLERWe spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLER






