Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
PHYLLIS DILLERWe spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLER