When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
PHYLLIS DILLERWe spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLER






