To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLERWe spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
PHYLLIS DILLER