If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
PHYLLIS DILLERWe spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
PHYLLIS DILLER