The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
PHYLLIS DILLERWe spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
PHYLLIS DILLER