Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
PHYLLIS DILLER