I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
PHYLLIS DILLER