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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.

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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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