We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
PHYLLIS DILLER






