My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
PHYLLIS DILLER