I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
PHYLLIS DILLER