I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
PHYLLIS DILLER