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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Aligator Barefoot Compliment Know Shoe Someone
I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Chocolate Dirt Like Serve Show
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Best Contraceptive Nudity People
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Ask Country Once Out People Player Room
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Afford All Children Move Them Thing Want
I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Age Back Do Go More Than
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Avoid Beget Children Desire Entirely Mean Poverty Single Something Violence
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLER

Ago Ask Fresh Grass Hour Lady Milk Said Three Waiter
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Bachelor Guy Made Mistake Once Some
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Come Enemy Geet House Mess Really Strange Win
self-pity is better than none.
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Better Ity None Self
I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Central Crime Night Only Park Reduce Trade Walk Woman
I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Beauty Came Constant Country Hit Last Mouth Once People Person
It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Bed Course Fang Gone Mad Month Three True Was Year
You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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Airbag Now Old Walkertr
My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Just Justice Like Look Photograph

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