I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
PHYLLIS DILLERHis finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
PHYLLIS DILLER