Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
PHYLLIS DILLERHis finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
PHYLLIS DILLER