You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLERHis finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
PHYLLIS DILLER