All mothers are working mothers.
PHYLLIS DILLERHis finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLER






