You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLERHis finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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self-pity is better than none.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLER