Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
PHYLLIS DILLERHis finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
PHYLLIS DILLER