When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
PHYLLIS DILLERHis finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
PHYLLIS DILLER






