My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLERI was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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All mothers are working mothers.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
PHYLLIS DILLER