When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
PHYLLIS DILLERI was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
PHYLLIS DILLER