My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLERI was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
PHYLLIS DILLER






