I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
PHYLLIS DILLERI was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLER