I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
PHYLLIS DILLEREvery time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
PHYLLIS DILLER