Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
PHYLLIS DILLEREvery time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
PHYLLIS DILLER