Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
PHYLLIS DILLEREvery time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
PHYLLIS DILLER






