The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
PHYLLIS DILLEREvery time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
PHYLLIS DILLER