My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
PHYLLIS DILLEREvery time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
PHYLLIS DILLER