I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
PHYLLIS DILLEREvery time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
PHYLLIS DILLER