If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
PHYLLIS DILLEREvery time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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All mothers are working mothers.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLER