I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
PHYLLIS DILLEREvery time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
PHYLLIS DILLER