There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLEREvery time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
PHYLLIS DILLER