Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
PHYLLIS DILLER






