I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
PHYLLIS DILLER






