Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
PHYLLIS DILLER