Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
PHYLLIS DILLER