They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
PHYLLIS DILLERI’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLER