I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
PHYLLIS DILLER