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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

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Buddhism Depth Feng Numerous Straight Technology Transcendental Work

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Again Happen Last Night Nothing Terrible Thing
When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Bottle Kiss Play Quater Spin Want
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Away Children Home Keep Only Parent Some Thing Threaten
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Chance Housework Kill Rake You
There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Bake Buildup Crud Cupcake Open Roo Single Such
You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Blood Discontinue Know Type
This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Buy Get Gun Husbvband Into No Reply Say Shop Women
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Accused Constant Country Drought Fire Food Mud Swanson
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Accidental Day Enjoy Ever Gin Iron Only Steam Time
The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Football never Olay Outfit Public Reason Same Wear Women
I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Baby Born Doctor Everybody Slap Ugly World
If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Enough Laugh Wrinkle
The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Body Doctor Hope Look Reincarnation Said Yes
I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Descend Foolish Listen Long Mother Very
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Children Down First Month Shut Spend Talk Teah Tell Twelve Walk
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Best Eat Getmrid Kitchen Odor Out Way

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