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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

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Come Have May Live Onion Ought Side So Sport

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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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