You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLERI have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
PHYLLIS DILLER






