I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
PHYLLIS DILLERI have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
-
-
The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
PHYLLIS DILLER