The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
PHYLLIS DILLERI have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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All mothers are working mothers.
PHYLLIS DILLER