Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
PHYLLIS DILLERI have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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self-pity is better than none.
PHYLLIS DILLER