Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
PHYLLIS DILLERI have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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self-pity is better than none.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
PHYLLIS DILLER