If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
PHYLLIS DILLERI have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLER