I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
PHYLLIS DILLERI have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
PHYLLIS DILLER






