Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
PHYLLIS DILLEREvery time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLERWe spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
PHYLLIS DILLERIt’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
PHYLLIS DILLERI asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
PHYLLIS DILLERMost children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
PHYLLIS DILLERThere’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhat I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
PHYLLIS DILLERIt would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
PHYLLIS DILLERIn most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
PHYLLIS DILLERAlways be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
PHYLLIS DILLER