Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
PHYLLIS DILLERThe constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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self-pity is better than none.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
PHYLLIS DILLER






