You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
PHYLLIS DILLER