I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
PHYLLIS DILLERThe constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
PHYLLIS DILLER






