I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
PHYLLIS DILLER