The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
PHYLLIS DILLER