When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
PHYLLIS DILLERAim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
-
-
Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
PHYLLIS DILLER -
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
All mothers are working mothers.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
PHYLLIS DILLER -
You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLER -
To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLER