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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.

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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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All mothers are working mothers.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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