My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
PHYLLIS DILLERAim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
PHYLLIS DILLER