If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
PHYLLIS DILLERAim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
PHYLLIS DILLER