Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
PHYLLIS DILLERAim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
PHYLLIS DILLER