A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLERAim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
PHYLLIS DILLER






