Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
PHYLLIS DILLERAim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
PHYLLIS DILLER