I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
PHYLLIS DILLERAim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
PHYLLIS DILLER