By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
PHYLLIS DILLERI am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
PHYLLIS DILLER