Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
PHYLLIS DILLERI am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLER