Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLERI am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
PHYLLIS DILLER