I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
PHYLLIS DILLERI am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
PHYLLIS DILLER






