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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.

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Descend Foolish Listen Long Mother Very

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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