My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLERMy body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
PHYLLIS DILLER






