Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
PHYLLIS DILLER






