A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
PHYLLIS DILLER