We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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