If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
PHYLLIS DILLER