My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
PHYLLIS DILLER