My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
PHYLLIS DILLER