I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
PHYLLIS DILLER