The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
PHYLLIS DILLER