By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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self-pity is better than none.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
PHYLLIS DILLER