The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
PHYLLIS DILLERA bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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