self-pity is better than none.
PHYLLIS DILLERA bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
PHYLLIS DILLER