What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
PHYLLIS DILLERA bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLER