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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

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Bachelor Guy Made Mistake Once Some

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Christmas Day Job Look Next Office Party
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Ask Country Once Out People Player Room
I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Anybody Behind Doing Eighteen Iron Know Now Use Year
I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Ask Country Football Good Hairdresser Helmet Look People Person Say
Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Do Life Practice Work Yourself
The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Body Doctor Hope Look Reincarnation Said Yes
My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Cheap Christmas Committed Eve Fre Husband Kids Santa Shot Suicide Tell
The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Common Day Husband Married Only Same Thing
… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Children Dust Furniture Love Name Write Yera
I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Descend Foolish Listen Long Mother Very
You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLER

Beautiful Bribe Comedy Everything Goes Got Realize Somebody Step Train
My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLER

Hate Mingle Moher Once Orphanage Told Took
I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Buddhism Depth Feng Numerous Straight Technology Transcendental Work
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Love Man Marry Money Nothing Tennis
Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Before Enough Fiance Get Marry Meet Officer Parent Parole
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Curve Set Smile Straight

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