Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
PHYLLIS DILLERA bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
PHYLLIS DILLER