I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
PHYLLIS DILLERA bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
PHYLLIS DILLER






