The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLERA bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
PHYLLIS DILLER