I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
PHYLLIS DILLERA bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
PHYLLIS DILLER






