I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.’ I don’t own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I’d have to buy something to protect it then.
NORM MACDONALDBack in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I’ve seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he’s lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.
More Norm MacDonald Quotes
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A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.
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It is often better to be restricted to necessity than unconfined in the measure of our desires: prosperity destroys more individuals than adversity ruins.
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In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That’s what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn’t have a stupid opinion about it.
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There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion.
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I don’t care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.
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This would have been a great game to watch if we didn’t have any money on it.
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You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don’t care for him.
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Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it’s the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.
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Ever see this? It’s a homeless guy but he’s got a dog… The dog’s really thrilled with this idea. The dog’s going, Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here.
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Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there’s always beer.
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Some people are so much afraid of being deceived, that they never venture to trust; like misers, their avarice destroys their gain.
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It is vain to complain of fortune while we fail in policy and conduct.
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I don’t really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.
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Liberty, like health, appears most precious when lost.
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He that searches for praise will often find contempt.
NORM MACDONALD