On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
MITCH HEDBERGWhen I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
MITCH HEDBERG