I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
MITCH HEDBERGWhen I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
MITCH HEDBERG -
A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
MITCH HEDBERG